What do you think of this

[princessbronte2k7]

hello, your storie is "ok",,,

keep up the great work, Bronte.

 

[horsegirl9]

well the only thing i dident get was like this part *

“Tiberius what are we going to do she is about to start…you know….her special gift”

“You mean her magical power!” he replied

“SHhhhHhh! She can’t find out till she is atleast thirteen you know the rules and the high council will not like you if you tell her before that it will ruin her chances of became a great creator!”

Elishia wakes up as she hears her parents quarrel and she walked down the corridor and sat at the top of the stairs listening to the conversation

*make it more interesting...*

 

[Sweet Kandi]

if you could be bovered to read the convo i said Thank you

If you bothered to understand what I meant instead of acting like a closeminded child and snapping at people, you'd get that if the whole book was like the first page, it wouldn't make for an interesting story.

You asked for honesty and that's what I gave you. Grow up and get over it.

 

[pyonchit]

I pretty much skimmed over it. >.>

You need to detach yourselves from your characters. You obviously see yourself as the main character, and thats why she's so perfect. You have some Mary Sue characters and me seeing them on the first page is not good.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mary_sue <what is a Mary Sue?

https://www.springhole.net/quizzes/marysue.htm <Is my character a mary sue?

I won't tolerate any whining that I'm being mean. The sooner you try to be original the better.

EDIT: well, you may not have yourself as her, but you probably imagine yourself as her. Angsting in a character is not a good way to start ethier.

 

[TamaGirliey]

Sorry, but I have to agree with ZOMGLOL and Sweet Kandi.

That page really wasn't very good.

And don't start whining. Nobody is going to bow to your every whim and lie to you to make you feel good.

Make it better.

 

[Hollyhedge]

i would just like to say i am only 12 and i don't quite get what ya all mean?

 

[ZOMGLOL]

i would just like to say i am only 12 and i don't quite get what ya all mean?

Age has nothing to do with understanding criticing.

Nice try.

 

[Tamagirl_Desy]

Age has nothing to do with understanding criticing. Nice try.

*nod*

I have to agree with most of the latest replies on here....

Your story isn't originial, has lack of detail, unrealistic characters, a slightly irritating storyline....and puncuation/capitalization should be checked over if you're ever going to publish anything. Only 12? Age has nothing to do with how you understand criticing. I am only 11 but I am a fairly good writer and I'm only trying to give you some pointers.

 

[TamaMum]

... I am writing a story and im an gonna post the first page plzzzzzzzzzz can you tell me what ya fink and plzzz be honest   ...

If you post the first page and ask people what they honestly think, you must be prepared for the fact that some members will not like it and be honest about what they don't like... and you should accept it without getting angry.

Constructive criticism can be useful if you're just trying out ideas for a book ... even if you are "only 12 years old"

Remember some members are older and some probably already do some writing of their own, so they may have some valuable insights.

I think any members that genuinely want to see you try to improve your writing skills will post useful information rather than a negative put down.

If there is anything you really don't understand about a reply you could always have a friendly exchange of PMs to ask for more explanations, so that you can better understand where you need to tweak the story.

I think you have some good ideas here. But to make the story flow and to make it easier to read, you should look more closely at your punctuation. There are a lot of commas and full stops missing and your first paragraph is really much too long.

Try to remember that the narator of a story doesn't use prose like ".. she loved her cat soooooo much she told...".

This style should be reserved for when a character is speaking, eg. " I love my cat soooooo much" she said, "I tell her all my secrets."

Well, that's my 10 cents worth

It's a good start and it needs a lot more work... but every journey starts with a first step - so good luck with the next steps

 

[pyonchit]

i would just like to say i am only 12 and i don't quite get what ya all mean?

"Only" is realative.

"I'm only 19 so I don't drink yet" is different from "I'm only 12 so please be nice!" The first is a statement, the second is an excuse.

In case you didn't get my post earlier, I said your character development is poor. Start over. The plot I think ties in to character development more then anything. (Also, I like to draw. Character development is important in the art world too.)

Also, now that I have the time, I'll proofread your first page.

***

[Comments/proofreading in red.]

Once upon a time there was a little girl called Elishia, who [had] beautiful big blue eyes and long fair hair all the way down to her waist. [i don't think that it's smart to start off calling your character 'beautiful.' If you are going to say that, make it at least in the eyes of other characters. HOWEVER, do not go around changing the point of view. (3rd person ominescent.)]She lived in a small little village that was close to the sea. She lived with her mum Lucinda and her dad Tiberius. [run on sentance & paragraph.]

he was an only child but she XwishesX[wished] every day that she had a sister or even a brother, although brothers -can- get annoying (Or so she was told). Elishia was twelve years old and had just started school[self insert + run on.] She was very smart for her age [Another self-insert. If you are going to say something like that, please use something less direct. I think you should get rid of this sentence all together.]and mostly spent her free time with her face buried in a book. [i know, why don't you say something like "she liked learning?"]

Because of her love of books and little spare time she didn’t have any friends except for her pet cat Millie. Mille was a black and white cat with long hair that was so silky, Elishia XwasX[would] always stroke XitX her. When her face wasn’t buried in a book she loved to play with Millie. She loved her cat soXoooooX much. She told her cat all her secrets.[A transition would make this better. Without Millie,] Elishia wouldn’t know what to do.

XThenX['Then' is not a good conductor. It doesn't make for a good flow. The flow is too dull and mechanical.]One day, Millie passed away. This was the worst possible thing for Elishia. She was so upset that (you need this conductor to prevent run-ons.)she locked herself in a her room and threw away the key. Her mum and dad and had to call a fireman to kick open the door. Elishia was in her room for three days.[This is implausable. You can run out of water and die in three days.] Her parents were worried.[They should be.]

She was always unhappy. her parents thought nothing would cheer her up. They tried getting her a new cat but she just ignored it completely. Xeven though it was really cute!X[Off topic] XThey tried getting her new clothes a new TV the tried anything they could they even tried a psychiatrists but nothing would work and her parents eventually gave up.X[Angsting isn't a good way to get character development. Basically this whole paragraph is a bunch of run on sentences.]

Elishia was got worse and worse. She hardly ever spoke, she had no friends,X her mum and dad were worried because when she fell asleep she talks in her sleep, she said the strangest of thing.X and she said the strangest of things in her sleep.

“Tiberius, what are we going to do? She is about to star X.... you know....XExcessive use of ....... makes the dialogue too flat. Use commas instead, or things like 'there was a pause.'her special gift”

“You mean her magical power?” he repliedWe know he obviously said that. Use this opportunity to throw in a little discription.

“SHhhhHhh!Use a better word, like "hush!" She can’t find out till she is at least thirteen. You know the rules and the high council will not like it if you tell her before that. It will ruin her chances of became a great creator.” [Needs more description.]

Elishia XwakesX woke up as she hears her parents XquarrelX[Quarrel is too strong a word. Aslo needs some description.] She walked down the corridor and sat at the top of the stairs listening to the conversation.

****

Hey, I'm only 12, and I just ripped your story up in to little pieces to make it better.

 

[Tamagirl_Desy]

"Only" is realative. "I'm only 19 so I don't drink yet" is different from "I'm only 12 so please be nice!" The first is a statement, the second is an excuse.

In case you didn't get my post earlier, I said your character development is poor. Start over. The plot I think ties in to character development more then anything. (Also, I like to draw. Character development is important in the art world too.)

Also, now that I have the time, I'll proofread your first page.

***

[Comments/proofreading in red.]

Once upon a time there was a little girl called Elishia, who [had] beautiful big blue eyes and long fair hair all the way down to her waist. [i don't think that it's smart to start off calling your character 'beautiful.' If you are going to say that, make it at least in the eyes of other characters. HOWEVER, do not go around changing the point of view. (3rd person ominescent.)]She lived in a small little village that was close to the sea. She lived with her mum Lucinda and her dad Tiberius. [run on sentance & paragraph.]

he was an only child but she XwishesX[wished] every day that she had a sister or even a brother, although brothers -can- get annoying (Or so she was told). Elishia was twelve years old and had just started school[self insert + run on.] She was very smart for her age [Another self-insert. If you are going to say something like that, please use something less direct. I think you should get rid of this sentence all together.]and mostly spent her free time with her face buried in a book. [i know, why don't you say something like "she liked learning?"]

Because of her love of books and little spare time she didn’t have any friends except for her pet cat Millie. Mille was a black and white cat with long hair that was so silky, Elishia XwasX[would] always stroke XitX her. When her face wasn’t buried in a book she loved to play with Millie. She loved her cat soXoooooX much. She told her cat all her secrets.[A transition would make this better. Without Millie,] Elishia wouldn’t know what to do.

XThenX['Then' is not a good conductor. It doesn't make for a good flow. The flow is too dull and mechanical.]One day, Millie passed away. This was the worst possible thing for Elishia. She was so upset that (you need this conductor to prevent run-ons.)she locked herself in a her room and threw away the key. Her mum and dad and had to call a fireman to kick open the door. Elishia was in her room for three days.[This is implausable. You can run out of water and die in three days.] Her parents were worried.[They should be.]

She was always unhappy. her parents thought nothing would cheer her up. They tried getting her a new cat but she just ignored it completely. Xeven though it was really cute!X[Off topic] XThey tried getting her new clothes a new TV the tried anything they could they even tried a psychiatrists but nothing would work and her parents eventually gave up.X[Angsting isn't a good way to get character development. Basically this whole paragraph is a bunch of run on sentences.]

Elishia was got worse and worse. She hardly ever spoke, she had no friends,X her mum and dad were worried because when she fell asleep she talks in her sleep, she said the strangest of thing.X and she said the strangest of things in her sleep.

“Tiberius, what are we going to do? She is about to star X.... you know....XExcessive use of ....... makes the dialogue too flat. Use commas instead, or things like 'there was a pause.'her special gift”

“You mean her magical power?” he repliedWe know he obviously said that. Use this opportunity to throw in a little discription.

“SHhhhHhh!Use a better word, like "hush!" She can’t find out till she is at least thirteen. You know the rules and the high council will not like it if you tell her before that. It will ruin her chances of became a great creator.” [Needs more description.]

Elishia XwakesX woke up as she hears her parents XquarrelX[Quarrel is too strong a word. Aslo needs some description.] She walked down the corridor and sat at the top of the stairs listening to the conversation.

****

Hey, I'm only 12, and I just ripped your story up in to little pieces to make it better.

*claps*

Weee.....it's excellent now! *bows to pyonchit*

 

[Haruhiko]

To be honest... I hope that isn't the end of the first chapter since, if it is, not even a Poem or Haiku community would accept it. Not even the Fan Fiction community would accept it.

Take a few steps back. Now, take a deep breath, relax, and read what you wrote. Is it in a consistent style? Is the spelling correct? Is there a solid theme? If ANY of those come up as a no, you NEED to rewrite the part. Also, what is the basis of the story? Think to yourself where you want to take it. Don't just go with the flow, you need to CONTROL it. If you're going to spell out EVERYTHING that the character does, DON'T. If it's mundane, like brushing your teeth, keep it short. This story looks like you plan to tell people what her TOOTHPASTE tastes like, if you tried to. No one cares about the mundane. Keep the detail to important things the character notices, not stupid little things that no one else cares about.

If you try to focus on the important pieces, one by one, it builds a picture for the reader. If you try to slap it together from the beginning, that makes the following parts boring since the reader KNOWS what happened. And, also, plot twists are your friend. Trying to change the plot in unexpected ways can keep the reader reading to find out what happens, especially if they never saw the change coming.

 

[Misery]

Hollyhedge, you asked us for our opinion, if your gonna sulk on the bad ones, then I suggest you not read them.

I agree with everyone here (the ones who managed to take the time to edit and show their opinions of it, not just say, "it was great!"

You jumped from topic to topic, you describe every single thing (getting annoying), you should spell check and actually read it over.

No offence here but it needs some work.

You can hate me now...

 

[Hollyhedge]

Im not sulkin and im not makin excuses i dont go to a private school and you lot sometimes all use

BIG words and i don't understand explain as you would a child because i am one

 

[TigerLily013]

Im not sulkin and im not makin excuses i dont go to a private school and you lot sometimes all use BIG words and i don't understand explain as you would a child because i am one

Not everyone goes to a private school, I sure didn't Noone's using that big of words, I honestly think you're making excuses. And you were sulking because of the constructive critism. Don't, they mean well and want you to get better!

I admit I was one of the people who said it was good. I was kind of rushed to post since something came up at the time. I do agree with the others improvement is needed

 

[Hollyhedge]

I guess noones gonna stick up for me ...

 

[Haruhiko]

I guess noones gonna stick up for me ...

You asked for truthful opinions. Your real friends won't be saying it's wonderful when it's not. They'd give you the truth, so you can improve and do better.

We're not being any different. We want you to improve.

 

[Hollyhedge]

ok then but at least you said it nicely and not all snooooty (just sayin)

 

[peterlinux]

Mind if i tag along? I want to make a new post of a story i wrote.

 

[Hollyhedge]

Sure go right ahead! x