This story has been on my mind

[Wine_Deer]

Here is the first part:

[SIZE=14pt]Chapter One:[/SIZE]

Olive slipped in mysteriously, as if nothing had happened, though a lot had happened. She cooly sat down at her desk, which was far from the others. Her mom had sent her to this academy of the gifted, thinking she would feel closer to her surroundings, including the people. But really, she couldn't feel any farther away. It had all started last week when she was at the beach. It was a hot day and Olive was having a blast swimming in the water. It was pretty steady, but she wanted some waves to swim in. She only thought about it for about 2 seconds when a giant wave came on. Though Olive convinced herself it was only a coincedience she was still suspicious. When she saw somebody surfing, she grasped her chance. She concentrated on a huge wave for the surfer, just big enough that he could surf it. For some odd reason, she could just tell what kind of waves he could surf. That's when it happened. The wave Olive had been thinking about had come right when he got to the location it would form. It looked exactly like the one she had imagined. Scared, Olive swam to shore and demanded her mother tell her what happened. Her father, Odus, had been gifted by a fairie of the water. She, Olive Oceana Otelia, had the gift of controling the ocean. Knowing this day would come, her mother, Obioma Ofra Otelia, had her sent to St. Bonteys, a school for the gifted. Unhappily, Olive obeyed her mom's orders and went. It was now her first day, and she knew nobody. She didn't know how to survive.

What do you think? You like?

 

[TamaMum]

*Topic moved to '(Non)TamaTalk'*

 

[Wine_Deer]

I changed it a little. Here is the revised version, with some added parts.

Chapter One

Olive slipped in mysteriously, as if nothing had happened, though a lot had happened. She coolly sat down at her desk, which was far from the others. Her mom had sent her to this academy of the gifted, thinking she would feel closer to her surroundings, including the people. But really, she couldn't feel any farther away. It had all started last week when she was at the beach. It was a hot day and Olive was having a blast swimming in the water. It was pretty steady, but she wanted some waves to swim in. She only thought about it for about 2 seconds when a giant wave came on. Though Olive convinced herself it was only a coincidence she was still suspicious. When she saw somebody surfing, she grasped her chance. She concentrated on a huge wave for the surfer, just big enough that he could surf it. For some odd reason, she could just tell what kind of waves he could surf. That's when it happened. The wave Olive had been thinking about had come right when he got to the location it would form. It looked exactly like the one she had imagined. Scared, Olive swam to shore and demanded her mother tell her what happened.

Her father, Odus, had been gifted by a fairie of the water. She, Olive Oceana Otelia, had the gift of controlling the ocean. Knowing this day would come, her mother, Obioma Ofra Otelia, had her sent to St. Bonteys, a school for the gifted. Unhappily, Olive obeyed her mom's orders and went. It was now her first day, and she knew nobody. She missed her old friends, family, and most of all, the ocean next to her house. She always went there and that was her place that she could go and all her stress would disappear as she would breathe in that salty smelling ocean air. Covering her face, she allowed a tear to dribble down her face and splash onto the desk, and for a moment, Olive could see a wave of the ocean in her head. She begged for it to stay, but it was just a small bit of her happy memories at that beach. Drifting away in her memories, she barely heard the bell ring, as class had just begun. A man with a face that had tentacles walked in. “My name is Davy Jones. Call me Mr. Jones.” He said in his hoarse voice. “Normally, I would send you to a certain room, based on your… gift. Today, however, I want you to stand up when I call your name and share what you can do. Tonya Brookfield.” A brown haired girl with freckles stood up. “I can jump to unusual heights.” Then she sat down. Olive bit her lip, closed her eyes tightly, and hoped with all her might that the main office had made a mistake and didn’t put her name on the list.

She listened to everybody, but what really made her eyes open was when she heard somebody stand up and say “I can fly.” Olive had always wanted to know what it felt like to fly. It was a red-haired girl, who was beginning to rise in the air. She was obviously unaware of it until Mr. Jones said “Thank you, Skye.” That was when Skye realized that and came back to the ground. “Maybe, like mom said, I will make a friend here…” Olive thought. For the next bunch of kids she heard some strange powers. The boy next to her, apparently named Rock, had told the class that he can talk to hummingbirds. “Olive Otelia.” She heard a familiar hoarse voice say. Nervous, Olive stood up and said quickly, “I can control water.” As soon as she said that, a ripple of whispers crossed the room. Olive couldn’t hear what they were saying, so she didn’t know what to make of it. If it was good, bad, creepy or common. She sat down, and listened to the other students. When the bell rang, everybody rushed to the doors, except for Olive and Skye. Olive was planning on approaching Skye, but instead, it was vice-versa. Skye smiled nervously and said “I think your gift is cool. I never even knew anybody could have that gift.” “Thanks,” replied Olive “Your gift is cool too. Flying is great, at least, so I think.” “It’s OK, but once you get used to it, it’s just like riding a new bike. It’s fun for a while, but then you only use it when you need it. I found out I could fly about 2 months ago. When did you find out? You know, about your gift.” Olive looked her in the eye and said “1 week ago. How old are you?” “12. You?” “I’m 12 too.” Erm, what do we do know?” Olive and Skye had begun walking together. “Follow me.” Skye said, taking her hand and pulling her through the crowded corridor.

“Here we are!” Skye said with sarcastic glee, opening the door to a plain bedroom with 6 beds. “We get to pick the bedroom we stay in. Don’t worry boys have the right corridor and we have the left.” She reassured Olive, seeing her worried face. “You can sleep next to me if you like. Girls are about to come running in here wanting one of the beds here. So we gotta pick first.” Skye informed her, putting her bag on a bed. “Why is this bedroom?” Olive asked her, putting her bag on a bed by the window, next to Skye’s. “Look outside.” Both girls looked outside and saw an amazing, beautiful view of the mountains, pond, trees, and hiking routes outside.

 

[♥Aurora♥]

Awsome!

You are greatly descriptive, but try going OVER the top! What sounds, colors, etc..

 

[monkeyz10210]

im to lazy to read it.no offence but ill

read it tommorow.but by the look of it

itl be great.

 

[~»tamagirl101«~]

Wow, that's a really good idea! It's not really my genre, i'm more into fantasy and dragons and stuff, but it still looks really good!

 

[pyonchit]

This is fine. I don't see much special about it, but it's fine. There's not much gramatically wrong with it, the story may not be truly appealing however it isn't quite as tasteless and bland as many-a-hopeless-childish-writer may post.

Honestly, I don't understand why people always try to start out with the story instead of actually like GIVING an overview of the story. >___> Why can't people do that?

Okay, have you taken the mary sue litmus test for all of your OC's?

https://www.springhole.net/quizzes/marysue.htm

I really didn't read through the entire thing- more as to why I think we should be sharing an overview, not a "story beginning." I'm not your language arts teacher. It's not my job.