Seeking advice in regards to my future/college

[Chatterbox]

This is going to be a long and multi-faceted post.

I'm a senior in high school in Missouri. I suppose you could say that, in regards to academics, I come off as your generic "try hard" South Asian female student. (Officer positions in a plethora of extracurriculars that are meaningful to me, 3.99+ GPA, 35 ACT, 2360 SAT... you get the picture).

My parents have always put a lot of pressure on me to succeed academically. I guess I understand their mindset - they had to work very hard to come to the US and provide me with the life I am fortunate enough to have today. So I've tried to make them proud and have applied to over a dozen universities across the US, including most of the Ivies, and my interviews have gone very well so far. I have to admit, the idea of possible acceptance to one of these establishments makes me excited as well.

Okay, that's all fine and dandy, but... here's where things get complicated.

Somewhere along the way, in high school, I fell in love. That's not a metaphor. I really did fall in love, with a boy.

My parents are Muslim. I consider myself religiously undecided. So my relationship has been a secret since September 2012. Now, my boyfriend is a freshman at Mizzou. Mizzou is offering me over $38,000 dollars in scholarship money, and that's after I already get half-tuition because one of my parents works for the university. I could literally go to college for free.

I think you understand where I'm going with this.

I have worked so hard for the past four years to maintain my grades, balance my academic and social life, and be involved in extracurriculars as well. Before I fell in love, I felt like my goal was to prove myself to people, make a name for myself, and get accepted to a "big name school" to make my parents proud.

But I don't give my heart away easily. If I wasn't sure about how much I love Jeff, I wouldn't even consider Mizzou. Being able to stay in the town where I have lived for the past 13 years would be so comforting. I know and love Mizzou's campus inside and out, and have even taken several classes there as a senior.

To be honest, I'm so scared. I'm scared of making the wrong choice.

If I go to Mizzou, I'm scared of what my parents and other people will think. All I can think is "wasted potential". Though he assures me it won't happen, of course a part of me considers the possibility that Jeff and I may break up, even if we both go to Mizzou. What if I don't like the atmosphere at Mizzou, since I've always been a very driven and ambitious student?

But if I go out of state to a big name or Ivy League school and regret that? What if I miss my town too much? What if things with Jeff fall apart in ways that will tear me apart? How are my parents going to afford to pay for that kind of an education?

All I want is a simple life... Spent doing what I love, and being with the people I love. That's really all I could ever hope for.

This choice is something that I think about literally every day. I know there are adults who view these forums, so... if anyone has any insight, that would be so, incredibly amazing.

Thank you for taking the time to read this,

Love,

CB

 

[Itsumo-nana]

I'm younger than you, so you don't have to read me. But heres what I think...

I think you should go to a ''Big name'' school. You've worked so hard, you deserve the best! Your whole life is going to depend on the choice you're making today. You have a big potential, why waste it in an ''average'' school that won't put any ''wow'' in your CV neither learn you all you could learn?

That boy, Jeff - if he loves you, he'll want you to take the opportunity to go to an Ivy League school. And if he loves you, he'll wait for you.

 

[fluffums]

I'm going to a "big name school" and honestly it isn't worth it. I don't think you should make this decision so you can be with a boy- but in general I think the better choice would be Mizzou. You should go to the school that is the least expensive and you will do well at. Graduate schools do NOT care where you went to undergrad regardless of what people might be telling you now. The only reason to go to a big name school is if you are interested in finance or a similar industry in which that type of networking is important- which are few. For most jobs they do not care about where you went to school and mostly care about your experiences while in school, which you can achieve while at Mizzou. You should never do anything for a boy because (like you seem to already know) it may not last. But in general I think going to MIzzou would be the better decision for you because you won't have as much debt and will definitely excel there which you can't guarantee at an Ivy. You'll be able to find plenty of other students there who are driven to succeed like you. Not everyone who goes to a state school went there since they couldn't get in anywhere else. Many people choose to go to them for family or financial reasons and some state schools have great departments in certain majors that are as good as or better than ones at the Ivys.

Having no debt after college and having a high gpa from that college definitely will outweigh anything going to an Ivy could give you. At an Ivy you'll be surrounded by students who are as smart or smarter than you which, even though there's tons of amazing opportunities at the Ivys, will make it so you won't get as many opportunities since you'll be outcompeted. Mizzou giving you a scholarship means they already recognize you as an excellent student and as long as you keep it up while there you'll be able to get so many more opportunities. There definitely are some great things about going to a big name school with a lot of great resources to offer you but in most cases I don't think it's worth it- it definitely wasn't in mine.

 

[Kitt]

I have to agree with fluffums.

Going to an ivy league college will be a level of competition you haven't faced before, combined with higher expectations and less acknowledgment, that could prove to be overwhelming and disheartening. Also, as stated before, having a really nice finishing GPA and no/few debts coming out of college will be far more beneficial than putting down an Ivy university name on your resume. More often than not, your internships and real world experience will be more important than where you went for your education.

I think Mizzou is a great choice for you, considering the offer you've been given. However, if your only reason for wanting to go there is Jeff, then find another school of the same caliber that you will be comfortable with. Going to a school for a boy, as you have acknowledged, isn't a great reason. You are bright and you have put a lot of thought into this decision, so don't feel stressed or worried, eventually (if you haven't already) you'll realize what is best for you.

 

[Tech Admin]

First and foremost... You should be very proud of yourself for being so successful in high school. Doing things to make your parents proud is great... But some people often forget to do things that make themselves proud. So my hat is off to you for what you have accomplished.

That being said, on to college and your future. I am not an expert on this kind of thing so please take this all with a grain of salt. All I have is my own experience leaving home for college and the opinions of somebody who has observed my own life and the lives of those around me.

This is a very tough decision (or series of decisions). Some things to consider:

• Do you know what you want to be "when you grow up?" This future career may or may not be better served at some schools over others.
• Will that career require grad school?
• Something I think is important right now is to wait. Wait to see what offers come from the schools you've applied to. Lots of Ivy League schools have deep pockets for offering financial aid (if that will be something you need to take advantage of) whereas other schools are more limited. Wait to find out which schools you are accepted to. Then wait to see if they can offer you a package that looks affordable to you and to your parents (if they will be helping you pay for this). When you do see their offer, don't be afraid to call them up and ask if they can offer a little more. Not sure when deadlines for deciding are but January seems a bit early.
• On being scared to make the wrong choice... Don't be. Life is a series of mistaken choices. Sometimes the choice that seems wrong now turns out to be something great later. I'm sure your parents will love you no matter what decision you make. You will miss home. You will miss your family. You will miss your friends. You will have new experiences that open up your world. You will make new friends that will probably be closer to you than most in high school. Going off to college is a huge learning experience even outside of academics. For me, I would not have had the same if I had stayed back home for school. Getting out of a comfort zone can lead to the great experiences/decisions.
• The boy... This is going to be tough. I've had the long distance relationship thing and it is not easy. However, I also don't think a relationship, in and of itself, is enough to stay at Mizzou. My hope is he isn't putting too much pressure on you to stay for him. I would hope that if he loves you he will want the best for you... Anything else seems a little selfish. The relationship can survive if you two put effort into it.

Hmmm... All these questions probably don't make a decision any easier do they?! Wish I had a straightforward answer for you.

You will do great no matter where you are and what decision you make.

PS - Make sure to allow yourself to have a little fun. It will be a great time in your life.

 

[Chatterbox]

Thank you, everyone, for all of these thoughtful replies. I truly appreciate it so much.

I am comforted by the idea that I have lots of time to consider college options. I mean, I don't even know where I'll be accepted to yet so I have lots of time to do my research and weigh the pros and cons of all my choices. And I'll be able to do that even after I get accepted to places as well.

I also have lots of time to discuss things with Jeff, including the nitty gritty aspects of our future (not just the easy things). That will hopefully also give me some insight.

As for what I want to study in college, I'm either going into Molecular Biology/Biochemistry or Biomedical Engineering. I'm hoping to minor in either Art or Japanese.

I also didn't mention this, but one college that I am highly considering is Washington University in St. Louis (only about 1.5 hours away from where I live). WashU is a fantastic premed school and it's not way too far from where I live. Of course it doesn't have the same brand name as Harvard or Princeton but it's truly a great school.

The more I research about it and read reviews from current students, the more I like it. My WashU interview went really well too. It seems like a very cooperative atmosphere, but at the same time students are ambitious and really care about learning.

So if I get into WashU, it would be my "safest" option, I suppose. Since it's a highly ranked school and not too far from my town.

I'll just have to see how things go!

PS: (I can't believe Admin replied to this!)

 

[Tech Admin]

Chatterbox - I wish you the best.

 

[Midorime]

Was in a similar situation, but then life happened and I haven't been able to get to a university, let alone go out of state to one. Same deal with a guy, but I guess to be rather blunt: education/degrees are forever, boys are not. Do what's best for you in the end, just in case the world comes crashing down around you. You'll be happy you did.

 

[TamaMum]

....

My parents are Muslim. I consider myself religiously undecided. So my relationship has been a secret since September 2012. Now, my boyfriend is a freshman at Mizzou. Mizzou is offering me over $38,000 dollars in scholarship money, and that's after I already get half-tuition because one of my parents works for the university. I could literally go to college for free.

...

I have worked so hard for the past four years to maintain my grades, balance my academic and social life, and be involved in extracurriculars as well. Before I fell in love, I felt like my goal was to prove myself to people, make a name for myself, and get accepted to a "big name school" to make my parents proud.

To be honest, I'm so scared. I'm scared of making the wrong choice.

... All I can think is "wasted potential"....

All I want is a simple life... Spent doing what I love, and being with the people I love. That's really all I could ever hope for.

This choice is something that I think about literally every day. I know there are adults who view these forums, so... if anyone has any insight, that would be so, incredibly amazing.

Sorry CB, I'm a bit late posting to this... as an adult I have to tell you that in my experience, life is not simple

I know it sounds quite harsh but I don't think I can sugar coat it. Sadly, from what you say, I don't think you will get a "simple life".

Lots of us wish for one... maybe for a very few, lucky people, they get their wish, but for most of us ... personal circumstances dictate otherwise and we all have to make tough decisions - about our futures, about our family, our duties and responsibilities.

There are things that affect your personal life that are not your fault, but over which you have no control. It's not fair and it sucks, but it's your responsibility and you have to work with what you've got.

We can all pitch in with our opinions and ideas about what was best for us based on our own circumstances, but... we are not you; we are not all Muslim girls with secret boyfriends and the strong sense of family duty and pressures and impressive academic potential all pulling us in different directions.


It shouldn't be like that but it is. Your parents have hopes for your future and it's natural that they are proud of you and will be even more proud of you if you are offered an Ivy League college place and it is natural to want to make them happy and proud.

Here's the thing. it sounds to me like you already know what's best, you just need to think it through more.

From what you've said it sounds like you work hard and you have massive potential and you are smart enough to realise that you might be wasting a big life changing opportunity to achieve bigger, better things.

I can see that you love Jeff but I think you should be careful about considering academic options that might compromise your future potential - something you have worked hard for. It's totally natural to try to choose an option that allows you to stay in your comfort zone - with family, with boyfriend, but whatever decision you make, try to be honest with yourself and don't kid yourself about the reasons for your decision so you can blame someone/something later on.

Sometimes you just have to take responsibility for your decision and accept that you risk making a mistake. That's life too. There's plenty of time to change things around, try a different tack, etc. Nothing is set in stone forever

 

[Amat Gotchi]

Reading this thread has actually made me think about what I should choose for college.

I think you should go for the best you can.

I'm not saying to forfeit scads of money for an Ivy, but if you get accepted and they offer you a great deal, it's probably a good idea. Otherwise, WashU seems like a good option. But since Mizzou is free, you could also look into getting an associate's degree there, and then transferring to a better school, since this is *sometimes* an option (if you feel that the other options are too expensive). However, you'll want to look at the Mizzou student body and make sure they're people you'd actually want to be around. Because your experience in school is primarily the people who surround you. (the reason so many high schools are pretty much unbearable)

Myself, I'm a junior in high school. Most people want to go to college in-state here. Although our in-state colleges are less expensive, they've also got pretty low admission standards (20 or 22 on the ACT). Personally, I'd prefer to go to college in a place that is as different, and as far from home, as possible. Not necessarily an Ivy school (though I'm sure my parents will urge me to go if I get in), but maybe a great school in an unexpected place.

Don't stop looking.

 

[tamalover1918]

WashU sounds like a good middle ground, but remember no matter where you go, the sky is connected, and we all look at the same sun and moon. My friend came from Alaska al the way here to Hawaii,leaving her boyfriend behind, but they set up a long distance relationship. If you go to a faraway school, a long distance relationship like that might be the answer, but you can visit him every once in a while. To me, WashU sounds like a good choice. Good luck!