How can I feel better and forget about this?

[RNBWprincess]

I've been dwelling on this probably since it only happened SO recently (a couple of days ago) and because I'm in shock, and I feel as if I can't trust any of the people I know to talk about this, like I have no one left even though I still have a few friends to keep me company.

I don't know how to start this out, so I'll just say it how I think it:

I started dating this guy that I met during the summer, and we started dating in the beginning of the school year, and we were together for 6 months, which isn't really that long, I know, but for 14 that's nice.

When I met him he was a really sweet and quirky guy, I liked him immediately.

He treated me so good, so good I tell you, and he was my first for a lot of things relationship-wise, like a real kiss, going to movies, dinner, the park, etc. and he always bought me things, whatever I wanted, and when he went places he'd always bring me something back.

He never did things to try and make me jealous, and when I was with him he made me feel like the most important person there, and whatnot I guess.

I've met his parents, many times, who approved of and usually they'd pick me up to take me places even though they lived 45 miles away, they did it all the time.

He always payed for my movie tickets and everything else, and he always tried to make sure I was happy and comfortable,

but I guess I took it all for granted. I wasn't all that nice to him, in fact I was kind of bratty and controlling, now that I look back on it.

He was a really nice guy, but I always started fights and he would say that it's fault and he never really fought back.

He made promises to me, like he would never leave or hurt me, and I know it's silly to believe, but I believed it.

I'd given him 3 nicknames and I drew things for him and I always wanted to hold my hand, and the fights never really lasted but they were kind of intense.

Well, I can't tell you everything as it would take too much time but just a few days ago he decided he was seriously just done, after I promised him I would improve myself and I had actually been working really hard at it for those few days.

He said it wasn't me, that it was him, and it wasn't that he wasn't happy with ME, he just wasn't happy. He said that he had alot on his plate and he just couldn't deal with it right now. Later I asked him if he meant right now or just never again he said "Never, I guess" and he said he still kinda loved me and I asked him if he cared how I felt and he said yes, and I asked him if we could still be friends and if he still cared about me and he said "no, not really" to both.

He told my friend he was tired of dealing with me, and I understand that, as I was alot to deal with, with always getting worried and being paranoid and the insecurities and whatnot.

I asked him if he wanted a proper goodbye where we could hang out one more time and say goodbye in person and he said he was going to the roller skating rink last night and I was too with my girl-friend, so I thought it'd be perfect, but,

it turns out he had already asked another girl out and she was meeting him there that night. My friend asked how long he'd liked her and he said it was for a week.

The thing is, I watched him put his arm around her and kiss her and all that, right in front of me. And it hurt.

I felt awkward the whole time.

I just don't understand why he could take a history like ours and throw it away and forget like that, because he just doesn't seem like that kind of guy.

What do I do and what do I expect now?

I had to take all the things he gave me and stuff them under my bed.

He's just gone and it seems he'll never be back and he doesn't care, and we experienced new things together, and I don't know how to get through it.

 

[Asia*]

There's only one thing you can do - help yourself forget about him. If you're 14, trust me - you have many more relationships to go through! You'll have bad ones, and you'll have good ones, but it sounds like this guy just wanted a drama-free relationship. Sounds a lot like my last ex - he would buy me everything, treat me right, do all the good things, and then one day he decided he didn't really care about me. You know, I don't think it's possible to figure out what goes on in a person like that's brain. I would label them as the type of people that want the easy way out, although I barely had an argument with my ex. I thought we were both happy, but stuff happens, right?

Just keep telling yourself that it was good while it lasted, but he is NO LONGER worth it. I mean, he asked another girl out that fast and kissed her in front of you? That only means two things: he doesn't care, or he is trying to make you jealous. You have to try to not worry about it, because you're the better person in this case. Maybe you acted in a way you didn't really want towards him, but you tried to change. If he couldn't accept that, wait, and help you out, he wasn't worth it.

There are so many guys out there, and I promise once you help yourself get over him, you'll find someone new. At 14, it's hard to make relationships "last", considering many guys around that age do not care to be "tied down" or want a serious relationship, even though a lot of the girls do. It isn't impossible, though! I'm 18 and have had my fair share of relationships since I was 14. Only one of them lasted for a year (I actually ended that one, haha) and the rest ranged from a month to six months. 18 is still a little amateur to consider a "real" relationship, but I personally believe I've already found my match and wouldn't care to date again.

Don't let yourself get hurt by anyone, though. Have fun with your friends and focus on school to help yourself get your mind off of this guy. Six months is pretty long in this case and I know it sounds hard to forget after what he did for you, but people change. It sucks, and it's not fun. I know you've heard all of this before, but once you can pick yourself up, you won't look back at this and hope for another chance.

Personally, I would just get rid of all of the things he gave you if they have any kind of attachment to you. The same ex that I mentioned above kept everything from his ex, and it bugged me to no end when I saw picture frames with them, stuffed animals she got him, blah blah blah. He wouldn't get rid of it and I guess he couldn't move on, though I thought he already did. If you don't think you have any emotional attachment or will grow out of it soon, then keep it! I usually trash everything an ex gives me after the break-up - it makes it easier on me when there are no pictures, clothes, stuff to hold.

I know I sound a little harsh, but I hate seeing other girls broken up over something like this. I don't think anyone deserves to feel this kind of pain. Chin up, and good luck!

 

[RNBWprincess]

Thank you so much for that, it really helps.

 

[Amat Gotchi]

Additionally, remember that you're still really young! There are 7 billion people on this planet; one of them is bound to be right for you.

If you want to keep the things he gave you, you can. Just remember him as a good friend who gave you many good days. And just because he went off and got a girlfriend a week later, doesn't mean you should. I think you should give yourself time to get over him, learn about who you are before you try to find someone else, and pick someone new to date only when you're ready.

You never know; he may change and become a lot nicer. If he asks you out again, don't say, "Yes!" right away. Think about whether or not he's worthy of you.

But it's much more likely that you two will eventually both move on, and you might be friends again, but only after you've both changed and matured a bit. :3

 

[Midorime]

Well you're both young, your brains are still developing, hormones, etc etc. I'm going to go into a science bit here to try to help you understand the inner workings a bit, so bear with me...

Love, attraction, etc are all controlled by the Limbic System part of your brain, the 'animal part' as most call it. See here: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Limbic_system

Okay, that being said, they have done numerous studies on this part of the brain. They have found out that under constant stress, this part of the brain can shut down/not work properly. When placing newlyweds in stressful situations and then scanning their brains, the parts didn't light up hardly at all, IF at all, then before the experiments where they were all lit up and the people clearly in love.

Now, to add to that, males tend to solve problems and issues with one hemisphere of the brain. Women tend to use both because they bring in the emotional aspect. That leads to communication issues because women tell men "Oh you don't understand the feelings behind this! You have no feelings, you're heartless!" and the men to go "This is the way it needs to be solved, stop worrying about everything else!" Men are direct and practical, women indirect and emotional. That's just basic evolution and how our brains are structured. And also why the two sexes can never seem to really understand each other fully.

That being said, men GENERALLY get over relationships faster, some even jumping girl to girl, but this could also not only be due to brain biology but personality as well as some do not like the idea of being alone. This can happen to women as well.

Now to address your issue, you said you guys got into fights a lot. Did you keep pushing him away or give him cold shoulders when there was an issue? This probably caused him distress and with continued exposure to being basically shoved aside, Limbic system activity dropped. He may still have some feelings, but with continued stress it's basically shut down--no chemicals were being released anymore from being around what he desired, the thrill wore off, there was no pleasurable reward in his brain to make him want to keep you around.

So when he says "it's not you, it's me" there is a grain of truth to it. This can also happen when people just grow apart and drift from each other, hence why some relationships can just end but at least peacefully and mutually.

Also, I went through something very similar just recently as well. Difference is the guy and I live in different states, and it's in his personality to not be alone, hence why he went after a girl right after. But I admit to my faults and know I pushed him away, but it was out of fear--we argued because he was trying to help me with my various mental disorders and I felt like a burden and like he didn't understand (which unless you have the same disorders, no one can truly understand, male or female). Over time he just shut down, but I was the one to end it because I could see the signs. Sadly it seems we've even lost the level of friendship we once had--5 years down the drain.

I'm sorry you're going through this, but give it time. You need to be away from him in order to heal--if you remain around him or keep in contact, the jealousy will eat you from the inside out. Take this alone time to work on and better yourself. Nothing wrong with a good break from the dating scene, I'm doing the same myself.

I hope it was understandable with everything I put. =X

 

[Minecraft Addict]

I understand what you are saying.
You seem pretty similar to my current girlfriend. well, actually she's my first girl and we've been together for a year.
We have had 3 or 4 major fights. And as Midorime said, if you gave him the cold shoulder or something like that, it will cause stress in him. My girl has done that many times. There is only one difference about me and your ex. I tryied to resolve the problem. I went to her parents, because at one point, it was all about blame. She took off all her faults and put them on me and comparing me to her farther. (Her farther is a busy man and isn't at home as much as she would like him to be).

In all honesty, the best people to go to are your parents about break up issues. I know after talking to my mom she opened my eyes and made me see it wasn't my fault. I'll quote her "You are putting more work into the relationship then she is. Relationships are supposed to be fun. You shouldn't have to worry all the time if she's going to be mad at you for no reason. The only thing you two should worry about is how you'll get to the movies or together on the weekend." (Of course i don't mean only Females are like this. Males can be too.)

The important thing is, stick with your friends. Your true friends will stick with ya through thick and thin and always be there for you. And as others have said, there are plenty of others out there.

My final word is (and you may have heard it before and i don't mean to harass you about it) maybe you're just not ready for a relationship. If you do have problems in your life it would be best to try and resolve them first and your next relationship will be much smoother.

So stick with your true friends, distract your mind, have fun doing your own thing and I hope you feel happier in the days to come. I may not really know too much about breakups, but i do know about fights. If you knew me in real life, you'd see how fair i am to everyone im kind of a push over
Good luck girl.

 

[Stefan Bauwens]

Actually to be honest I think you are too young to have a boyfriend. I think one should only have a partner if he plans to marry that one. So if you don't plan to marry, what are you doing?

I know this is contrary to what today people are thinking and seems pretty strange. And Asia confirmed with her post the negative side about it: "you have many more relationships to go through!".

That is not normal. When I would have a girlfriend, which I never had yet, it would be with the idea of marrying her. Of-course it also could be that it doesn't work and we break up. I think having a broken heart once is enough already.

You may decide to listen to me, or not to. All I can do is give you my advice.

 

[Midorime]

Actually to be honest I think you are too young to have a boyfriend. I think one should only have a partner if he plans to marry that one. So if you don't plan to marry, what are you doing?

I know this is contrary to what today people are thinking and seems pretty strange. And Asia confirmed with her post the negative side about it: "you have many more relationships to go through!".

That is not normal. When I would have a girlfriend, which I never had yet, it would be with the idea of marrying her. Of-course it also could be that it doesn't work and we break up. I think having a broken heart once is enough already.

You may decide to listen to me, or not to. All I can do is give you my advice.

I half-way agree with this. There are several reasons why people date. One is to get into their pants which is a basic animalistic need/want, another is for the other is for companionship, and there are probably still other reasons as well, not all good. One does need to date someone before marrying to see if they're a right fit for them, though. If they're not, don't marry, because it'll just give you a long road of misery. No one should marry out of desperation to not be alone as it'll just make both people very unhappy.

 

[indiGOtama]

I almost see dating as "practicing", though. I mean, your first relationship is always like immature and unrefined; just young love, because your brain is getting used to the idea of having that kind of relationship with someone. But, as you go on, you get better at dating, and better at knowing what you need to look for in a partner. We become better at opening ourselves up to another person as we gain more experience. I mean, yeah, you COULD possibly learn all you need to learn through just one person, but the amount of forgiveness/flexibility/luck that it would take would be tremendous. To think that you just fell into the right relationship the first time around would be crazy, when you think of how many people are in the world.

As time goes on, you learn how to deal with the heartbreak better, and the pain subsides, because you realize that whatever happened, it was for the better.

 

[Midorime]

^^^ This.

Though some of us may be hurt to the point we don't try again. It really depends because each experience is different.

 

[indiGOtama]

^^^ This.

Though some of us may be hurt to the point we don't try again. It really depends because each experience is different.

Yeah.. I've felt like I've reached that point before, but it wasn't a normal relationship; there were other things going on in that relationship that scared me into never dating again. But I got back up, eventually. Sometimes, it helps to talk to a professional when that happens, I think.

 

[Midorime]

Yeah.. I've felt like I've reached that point before, but it wasn't a normal relationship; there were other things going on in that relationship that scared me into never dating again. But I got back up, eventually. Sometimes, it helps to talk to a professional when that happens, I think.

Agreed. And sometimes it just takes time and maturity.

 

[RNBWprincess]

Well, a lot of different things have happened since this post was made.

I took the advice from the first few posts, and thought that was it. I still felt like something was going to happen though, and it did.

A few days ago he talked to me again, saying he missed me, blah, blah.

So the next day I decided to tell him, yes, we could try again, and so he was like, okay, and then a few hours later he deided he changed his mind. And at first he was saying things like "You won't have a broken heart, I promise you that,or "I will do my bst to make myself the very best person for you, I promise" but we were both feeling unsure and after that he backed out. Said he wanted to be single, which annoyed me.

I told him fine, but he should take his new relationship somewhere where I don't live as he lives 45 miles away and I think it'd only be fair. He said, "well, that'll be hard to do" and I replied, "why?" and he said that he was trying to date someone here. He had just said he wanted to be single.Of course, since I wasn't fully over it and had said yes I had hope before he changed his mind so I started crying, but then after that, I was like oh well.

So long story short I don't care anymore. I had also learned he asked one of my close friends out a few days before (they said no to him of course) and I think I forgot to mention he asked my best friend out right after breaking it off with me the first time.

So I don't care. I'm done. I know he'll come back again, and I'm going to say no to him. Hurt me once, your fault. Hurt me twice, your fault.

I like someone else now anyways, and my ex and I ended it on equal terms. I'm moving on.

 

[indiGOtama]

Good for you, girlie - he sounds like he has some growing up to do. You deserve better

 

[Stefan Bauwens]

I almost see dating as "practicing", though. I mean, your first relationship is always like immature and unrefined; just young love, because your brain is getting used to the idea of having that kind of relationship with someone. But, as you go on, you get better at dating, and better at knowing what you need to look for in a partner. We become better at opening ourselves up to another person as we gain more experience. I mean, yeah, you COULD possibly learn all you need to learn through just one person, but the amount of forgiveness/flexibility/luck that it would take would be tremendous. To think that you just fell into the right relationship the first time around would be crazy, when you think of how many people are in the world.

As time goes on, you learn how to deal with the heartbreak better, and the pain subsides, because you realize that whatever happened, it was for the better.

However, if you look forward at future relationships like once that'll probably fail that's not correct. You should try your best to have only one, but of-course that may be quite impossible.

 

[Midorime]

However, if you look forward at future relationships like once that'll probably fail that's not correct. You should try your best to have only one, but of-course that may be quite impossible.

Statistically, it IS impossible. No one will ever find the 'right' one on the first try, maybe only 1%. And as people get less and less social due to technology, they care less about being close, interactions with others, etc. People don't know how to be social creatures anymore, there's more crime, more divorce, etc. And people change during the times of dating, too, and can drift, or break up terribly depending on what has changed. People are unpredictable and with how life is, it's just practically impossible to have one mate for life like some animal species, plus humans were never biologically monogamous anyway. If so, would marriage even be a thing to implement seeing as if we had one partner from life from the moment upon meeting and hooking up?

@RNWB: glad to hear you're moving on. Seems like he'd rather play around than be with a single person. If that's not what you want, then don't settle for any less. Move on and be happy, but I don't recommend jumping into another relationship so fast because then you'd be rebounding. Take a time out before you get your feet wet again.

 

[Minecraft Addict]

Depending on who you are, it can be hard to move on.
I would suggest being careful about "falling in love" with another person so soon after a breakup. Things could be bad while recovering from the previous one. or, they might be good. really, you never know unless the attempt has been made.

I can't really speak for relationships that well because i have only had (and still have) one girlfirend. Life will get better. Sometimes it has to get worse before it gets better.