Elite

[zacksims123]

Chapter 1

Holly Mooncrest was twelve years old and bored with life. She had schoolwork, schoolwork, schoolwork, and didn’t have anything to do at home. She couldn’t make any women’s sport teams because she wasn’t strong enough. She didn’t have any GREAT friends, and the ones she had would probably backstab her anyway. Her dyed blue hair glistened in the moonlight as she walked in the night. When she was six, she had insisted that dying her hair was for the greater good. She simply continued walking across the newly painted bridge and thought nothing of the WET PAINT signs.

She thought she could make out a dark figure in the moonlight. His head tilted toward her feet and scowled. Ugh. In trouble for walking on paint. But she didn’t seem to be in much trouble. She cocked her head and wondered who strange man was. He seemed to emit dark… energy? Wow. I’m such a dork…

“Move along,” His raspy voice sounded like claws against a chalkboard. She had an uneasy feeling, so she hurried away.

The next day was Saturday, so there was no school. Holly decided to read a book, which she thought was lame. She wasn’t unattractive, but most boys were driven off by her reluctance to do… well… anything! Holly read about secret societies and as always, ideas floated into her head. What if secret societies exist? What do they really do? Would it be fun? Would it – This last thought was blocked by a sudden feeling that she was being watched. She worriedly glanced around the room restlessly and caught a glimpse of something. She opened her window.

“Hello?” she asked. “If you’re some creepy stalker or a salesman, I’m not interested!”

Someone fell out of the tree.

“AIGYAH!! Oh, sorry about that. I’m Zack!”

 

[zacksims123]

Chapter 2

Zack rubbed the second bump on his forehead from the end of the broomstick Holly had attacked him with, thinking he was a stalker.

“Yeah, I guess that did look bad, huh?” he said.

“Yeah. So what WERE you doing in my front yard tree?” Holly asked.

“Nothing,” he said.

“Oh, really?” Holly replied.

“Yes, really!” he insisted.

“Would you go under a lie detector?” she joked.

“Do you have one?” he asked.

“No! Stop avoiding my question!” she angrily said.

“Okay, fine. I’m from a secret division called Starfall, and you are a potential recruit. And the name isn’t girly!” Zack finally explained.

“Wow. You’ve been watching me read this whole time, also? Sad. Nice cover story, though,” Holly replied.

“It’s not a cover story! I really am recruiting you! AUGH! I told them you would be like this! I was like this! This is stupid! I’ll just go to Julie’s house instead. She’s got power AND looks!” He stated, clearly upset.

“What do you mean ‘AND’? Which one am I?” she said with a smirk.

“See-ya,” he hopped out the window. What a moron. She thought to herself.

 

[zacksims123]

Chapter 3

He was back the very next day.

“I thought you left,” Holly said.

“Shut up, just come with me,” he said grumpily. “It’s Sunday, and I could be killing E-Cells with a Ray Staff but no, I had to get stuck recruiting some snarky pre-teen,”

“If my eyes don’t deceive me, you’re my age,” she said.

“Come on, I’m already in trouble that I let you see me, just get!” Zack stated with a voice that would have made a non-sarcastic person stop arguing.

“FINE. I’ll humor you.” Holly said.

Zack took her down an alleyway on the corner of 7th Street and Red Road. He pulled a brick out and typed POWERPUDDING.

“That’s a weird codeword,” Holly said.

“Meh. It changes a lot.” Zack said.

Almost instantaneously, a door in the ground slid open. The duo climbed down and found themselves in a small room. Zack knocked peculiarly and the door unlocked. When they entered, all feelings of doubt rushed away from Holly. The place was like a spy lab, or a secret hideout, or something!

“Ah, I see you haven’t failed today, at least.” A deep voice said.

“Hey, hey, hey! It wasn’t my fault! She was stubborn, and I fell out of her tree, and, and…” Zack argued.

“We get it, you failed.” Another higher voice said. Zack grumbled something about unfairness. There was a girl’s voice, maybe about thirteen or fourteen, that wafted through the air vent,

“Would ya quiet down there, I’m tryin’ to fix our spyin’ problem!” she said. “Ay, do I see a new face down there, Salami?” All three others came out of their corners/vent. “Hiya, I’m Deb.” She was aggressive-looking and tomboyish.

“I’m Tom Coldcut Gerutatchi, call me Tom.” He had male pattern baldness, a warming smile, and wore a suit.

“I’m Stan, technical consultant and –”

“…a nerd.” Zack finished for him. Stan was a redhead with freckles and a pale face.

“Your first mission will be tomorrow. For now, you may go home and rest. We have a huge day tomorrow.” Tom said.

 

[Royal Ludroth]

Actually I won't say that about certain other members. Ignore this post. You may continue. But seriously, I suck at writing and some of the grammar in there is atrocious.

 

[zacksims123]

... Yeah, okay.

 

[Goggle-Face]

I'm going to comment on the first chapter alone.

I suggest toning down your font size. It's kind of sloppy when you're writing your story. It doesn't make it longer, it just makes it really big. If you have trouble reading it, though, from poor eyesight or anything along those lines, just make it a big size in your Word document. You can tone it down on TamaTalk.

Alright, now my critique. Overall, I don't really see a storyline. Holly is really dull. Why did she figure dying her hair at age six was the 'way to go'? It's unlikely a six year old would get their hairdyed at a young age unless she was a child model. Of course, there's nothing wrong with dreaming about dying your hair at a young age, I myself wanted to dye my hair lots of colours when I was younger. But I never did, mostly because I didn't know how. Was her mother all for it? How about her father? Tell us their reactions. Did her parents allow her? Were they all for it? Did she have to sneak away when she was just a bit older with an older sibling or family friend to dye her hair? It's unlikely for a twelve year old, introvert or not, to have blue hair. Her parents wouldn't allow it until she was an older age. Maybe make it into a less shocking haircolour; black with blue streaks, red hair with blue tips, ecetra.

You need description. It's a rather dull story if you don't have description. Not to say you have to overdose and put similies and metaphors in every sentence, just a bit more. Describe the scene where Holly met Zack. Yes she was on a freshly painted bridge, but how was the sky? Was there lots of stars? How was the moon? Did she pass other people? Was the area scarely populated? Describe but don't overdose. You don't need to spend a paragraph describing the bridge, just maybe elaborate what it looked like.

I have a problem with this sentence;

Her dyed blue hair glistened in the moonlight as she walked in the night.

You say night twice. I suggest maybe something like;

She continued to walk the night, the light off the moon making her dyed blue hair glisten.

And, this is really just a small hint, you don't need to type in ALL CAPS when describing things with emphasis. Just use italics. If you must use CAPS to describe something, feel free, but not whole sentences.

And, to be honest, this story isn't a 'story of AWESOME' from the look of it. From a first glance it's just some girl who is picked at randomly to be in a 'elite' group.

 

[Izaya Orihara]

I agree with the above post.

Though I think you should keep the font size. Maybe just make it a little smaller.

Only because some people don't have that good eyesight.

-sunkssedcaligrl

 

[zacksims123]

Thanks for all of the advice! I was trying my hand at writing. XD Epic Fail.

 

[Goggle-Face]

If you think your writing is failure, you have no confidence. You need confidence to write, and if you think you're no good or a failure, then your finish product won't be good at all. Put your heart into it.