Confessions

[Jhud]

I hate public displays of affection, no matter of what sexuality the lovey dovey couple is. Not only public though, same with movies.

 

[SonicBlades]

Sometimes when I'm watching a movie and I'm the only one home I'll turn on the subtitles, mute the TV, and say a character's lines as if I'm auditioning for said character. I've always wanted to get into voice acting and I feel like doing this could be good practice. I've actually gotten to where I can make myself cry on the spot.

 

[x.//StoryTeller//.x]

I just need to shout this out and if you don't have an open mind then I don't want to hear your crap okay

Luckily most of TT seems to have an open mind though, it's a bit long but it's interesting I guess and I think I need help or advice or something

Spoiler

When people ask what my personality is, I've never been able to answer that. Now I am terrible at phrasing things but I am going to try my best. Some of it may sound very literal, I think is the word, because that's how I can figure out how to word it. There are several different identities I have in my mind. Some are simply based on moods and personalities, but others are much stronger and controlling of how my voice sounds, how I dress, and the actions I do. It's always served a problem but now I've finally realized it because of what recently happened.

So you probably know that I'm gay. But a month ago I started a relationship and I had a boyfriend. Everything felt so right. I knew that I identified as gay but it was like he was kinda an exception. I wasn't even checking out girls. It was like that didn't apply to the next few days. I also seemed to be acting more feminine, paying attention to how I looked. I hadn't had a personality like that since early high school. But then one day I woke up, and it was like I had switched over. I wanted to wear baggy clothes and t-shirts and the thought of makeup disgusted me. I barely bothered to brush my hair 'cause I liked my bedhair, it made me look...tough. My voice has always changed by what I felt was my mood, and my voice was really deep. I even flexed my muscles (which I actually have) sometimes, because it made me feel...masculine. Strangest of all, I chose to sing tenor (male range) in the school choir instead of soprano. I knew I was in a girl's body but how I looked didn't matter. I didn't care. I just felt...like a dude. And the fact that I had a boyfriend made me super uncomfortable. So I broke up with him yesterday, because I was sick of just pretending I still liked him romantically.

He luckily took it well, but if it was someone else, then my "switch" could've broken someone's heart. I somehow switched into the feminine, giddy, girly personality which I hadn't had in years, and because of that switch, I got myself into a situation that got even more complicated once I switched into my "butch" persona. It seems like there are three tiers of these personas: identity, which controls my actions and lifestyle and doesn't switch very often; personality, which is if I'm a prankster person or a shy person or being rude to someone just to feel stronger and much more; and mood, which can change more than once a day and is basically if I'm happy or sad or what. It seems that some of these will only match up with certain others, like having a shy personality seems to be linked to a feminine identity because my voice tends to go up and I wear more "girly" clothes. Depending on the matchup, it seems my sexual orientation is usually gay even in a feminine identity, but very rarely in that identity I'll be romantically attracted to a dude. And there are literally so many different identities I have that I don't know how to keep track of "who's who", because I often forget things I may have said or felt once I swap. Plus, I have no idea when I'll swap and what tier I'll swap on. It could be days, it could be years.

I was denying this idea for so long because it makes me sound, well...insane. Crazy. And I don't want to be that person. But now that I just thought about it, I realized so much more. Things are starting to make sense. But I don't know the same for it. Bipolar? Split Personality? Multiple Personality? Dissociative?

I am many different people, but I still go by one name. One face. One body.

With hundreds of others inside.

 

[Amat Gotchi]

I just need to shout this out and if you don't have an open mind then I don't want to hear your crap okay

Luckily most of TT seems to have an open mind though, it's a bit long but it's interesting I guess and I think I need help or advice or something

Spoiler

When people ask what my personality is, I've never been able to answer that. Now I am terrible at phrasing things but I am going to try my best. Some of it may sound very literal, I think is the word, because that's how I can figure out how to word it. There are several different identities I have in my mind. Some are simply based on moods and personalities, but others are much stronger and controlling of how my voice sounds, how I dress, and the actions I do. It's always served a problem but now I've finally realized it because of what recently happened.

So you probably know that I'm gay. But a month ago I started a relationship and I had a boyfriend. Everything felt so right. I knew that I identified as gay but it was like he was kinda an exception. I wasn't even checking out girls. It was like that didn't apply to the next few days. I also seemed to be acting more feminine, paying attention to how I looked. I hadn't had a personality like that since early high school. But then one day I woke up, and it was like I had switched over. I wanted to wear baggy clothes and t-shirts and the thought of makeup disgusted me. I barely bothered to brush my hair 'cause I liked my bedhair, it made me look...tough. My voice has always changed by what I felt was my mood, and my voice was really deep. I even flexed my muscles (which I actually have) sometimes, because it made me feel...masculine. Strangest of all, I chose to sing tenor (male range) in the school choir instead of soprano. I knew I was in a girl's body but how I looked didn't matter. I didn't care. I just felt...like a dude. And the fact that I had a boyfriend made me super uncomfortable. So I broke up with him yesterday, because I was sick of just pretending I still liked him romantically.

He luckily took it well, but if it was someone else, then my "switch" could've broken someone's heart. I somehow switched into the feminine, giddy, girly personality which I hadn't had in years, and because of that switch, I got myself into a situation that got even more complicated once I switched into my "butch" persona. It seems like there are three tiers of these personas: identity, which controls my actions and lifestyle and doesn't switch very often; personality, which is if I'm a prankster person or a shy person or being rude to someone just to feel stronger and much more; and mood, which can change more than once a day and is basically if I'm happy or sad or what. It seems that some of these will only match up with certain others, like having a shy personality seems to be linked to a feminine identity because my voice tends to go up and I wear more "girly" clothes. Depending on the matchup, it seems my sexual orientation is usually gay even in a feminine identity, but very rarely in that identity I'll be romantically attracted to a dude. And there are literally so many different identities I have that I don't know how to keep track of "who's who", because I often forget things I may have said or felt once I swap. Plus, I have no idea when I'll swap and what tier I'll swap on. It could be days, it could be years.

I was denying this idea for so long because it makes me sound, well...insane. Crazy. And I don't want to be that person. But now that I just thought about it, I realized so much more. Things are starting to make sense. But I don't know the same for it. Bipolar? Split Personality? Multiple Personality? Dissociative?

I am many different people, but I still go by one name. One face. One body.

With hundreds of others inside.

You're not insane.

I doubt you're bipolar (which is arguably something I may have experienced). Bipolar disorder involves serious swings in mood, from incredibly euphoric/inspired/happy to depressed.

About dissociative disorder: wikipedia article dissociative disorder is mostly found in victims of abuse; as a defense mechanism. So this might apply to you, and it might not. (and keep in mind that dissociative identity disorder is not always so severe as the examples you see online; it's estimated that up to 1% of the population has it)

And it's possible that you're just ... different. Regardless of whether you have a disorder, you are you, and there are benefits to being you.

If you need to talk, there are lots of people here (including myself), or you can speak with a psychiatrist or psychologist. (Don't get diagnosed by a GP because they usually aren't qualified for that kind of stuff.)

Also, question: Is there anything that triggers your swaps?

my confession:

I literally need to write in order to stay sane.

If I haven't written just for myself in a few days, I start acting really weird and incessantly talking to myself. At that point I have to either sit down in front of my journal or in front of Google Drive and write down literally every single thought that is in my mind. It can take pages, and if you read it, it looks like the ravings of a lunatic. But it is the only thing that helps me. Keeps me saner for a few days more.

 

[Jhud]

I find irl friendships annoying.

 

[Violetchi luv]

I mainly ship het and boy x boy. ._.

 

[Jhud]

I mainly ship het and boy x boy. ._.

And I ship mainly boy x boy. For many reasons. I just am not attracted to girls at all and in 99% they are badly written nowadays...

 

[Eternal Mametchi Fan]

When I have popper-juice thingies with those caps on top...I'm bad at explaining... I always take the cap off. They're annoying and make too much noise.

 

[x.Tori.x]

My confession? It makes me want to completely fall apart being in love with my best friend and knowing he's gay. It hurts a little more each time a new guy is mentioned, ya know?

 

[Jhud]

Spoiler

i'd rather have my 'girlfriend' have an accident than keep wasting her life like she is now. i know im a bad person, you dont have to tell me that.

 

[Pashalin]

Nobody in my family knows I'm genderqueer. My mother found yaoi in my internet history and instantly concluded I was gay and told the entire family that I was.

 

[Jhud]

I like to show my mother yaoi and gay erotic fanarts overall. She doesn't mind. And we like to talk about all sorts of things. If someone overheard our conversations, they would assume we are patologic.

 

[dazzilitchigirl]

Confessions? I think I'll just post random stuff like everyone else is doing.

I used to always think about myself in the third person and past tense whenever I was doing something. I have no idea why. For events that were going to happen or had already happened, I'd think in the first person (e.g. "I'm going shopping tomorrow" or "I went shopping yesterday"). It was events in the present tense that I'd think strangely about, for example when I was walking, I'd think "she was walking". I was really into writing, and wrote stories in the first person. However, I thought about myself as if my life was a story told in the third person.

I think strangely in other ways too. If I don't pronounce a word right in my head, I keep thinking it over and over again until I do. Also, if I don't know how to spell or pronounce a word I can't think of the word, either. It would just annoy and distract me.

I used to have a fear of hurting myself while grating something. I refused to grate stuff and made other people do it for me because cutting yourself on a grater looked really painful. Yesterday I was told to grate carrots at a friend's house so I couldn't refuse, and I cut my thumb. Now I can't type properly without it hurting. I was right to be afraid.

 

[SugaryGoesRAWR]

This is more directed at dangans - CONTAINS SOME SPOILERS

Spoiler

I apologize to anyone who ships these (if there's any), I absolutely loathe LeoSaya and romantic Chihimondo/Chishimondo/Chihimaru. FIRST GAME SPOILERS AHEAD - Especially for LeoSaya and Chihimondo - Victim/Murderer pairings disgust me..

Also, I'm not a fan of KomaHina - it's not a healthy relationship, I feel Komaeda would be abusive towards Hinata.

I'm also addicted to disney *cough* Lab Rats i just realy like adam lmoe

 

[It`s Teri]

This is more directed at dangans - CONTAINS SOME SPOILERS

Spoiler

I apologize to anyone who ships these (if there's any), I absolutely loathe LeoSaya and romantic Chihimondo/Chishimondo/Chihimaru. FIRST GAME SPOILERS AHEAD - Especially for LeoSaya and Chihimondo - Victim/Murderer pairings disgust me..

Also, I'm not a fan of KomaHina - it's not a healthy relationship, I feel Komaeda would be abusive towards Hinata.

I'm also addicted to disney *cough* Lab Rats i just realy like adam lmoe

Spoiler

i feel the same about all those ships tbh

especially leosaya

 

[Jhud]

This is more directed at dangans - CONTAINS SOME SPOILERS

Spoiler

I apologize to anyone who ships these (if there's any), I absolutely loathe LeoSaya and romantic Chihimondo/Chishimondo/Chihimaru. FIRST GAME SPOILERS AHEAD - Especially for LeoSaya and Chihimondo - Victim/Murderer pairings disgust me..

Also, I'm not a fan of KomaHina - it's not a healthy relationship, I feel Komaeda would be abusive towards Hinata.

I'm also addicted to disney *cough* Lab Rats i just realy like adam lmoe

Spoiler

I'm not in the fandom but I've read many arguments how KomaHina is not an abusive relationship with quite valid ones from what I can tell... Not saying you should ship it but they really don't seem abusive for me. Not like I know absolutely everything, I know only theory- I I'm not so keen to play DR since I don't like the art style and things where everybody dies are just not appealing to me.

As per confession, I'm feeling quite suicidal all the dang time. I'm not about to do anything any soon though, I don't want to worry my mother- she is too old for this.

 

[TheRoyalBanana]

I make costumes and fursuits for a living. And i sew clothes for myself a lot of times when i should be working on other peoples orders >.>

(they get done but im bad for waiting last min and doing all nighters)

 

[x.Tori.x]

I can't sleep unless I am cuddling with the pillow and stuffed dog my best friend gave me. If I'm not cuddling with it, it at least has to be in the bed with me or I CANNOT sleep. I have to take them everywhere I sleep over also.

 

[SonicBlades]

I spend more time making lists of things I want to do than actually doing them. It's pretty annoying because it's not very productive, but at the same time I get as much joy out of making lists as I would doing the things on the lists. Seriously, I'm like freakin' Twilight Sparkle with all my lists. Have I said the word "lists" enough in this post? Lists.

 

[Itsumo-nana]

I Wonder Traded a bad animal in Pokemon Y yesterday when testing the function... got a good pet in return, feeling really bad atm...