Life in middle school with a Tamagotchi: comments

[tamastar133]

So how was my 2 stories my 3 one is uploading and 4 will be coming is it great or stupid and just ugly like Coffretchi amazing like Kawaii!? Please respond thanks!

 

[kuchipatchi.is.blue55]

It's a really good idea, and I think you should keep writing it, I'm looking forward to what happens next! But I also think it needs a little work when it comes to grammar. You see, when you write run-on sentences like this:

One day Steve was eating some toast and said "Wow this is great toast!" and then he said "Bob, come here, you have to try this toast!" and Bob came over and he ate the toast and he said "Wow this is really great toast!" and then he said "Mary come here, try this toast and Mary said "No I have a phone call I can't try this toast" so Mary answered the phone and said "Hello?" and then Sue said "Hi Mary, did you like the present I gave you?" and Mary said "Yeah, I love my new sweater!" and then Bob said "Mary, you HAVE to try this toast!" and Mary said "Okay I will, hold on Sue" and then Sue said "Okay" and then Mary went to try the toast and she said "Wow this toast is really good" and then she said to Sue "I just had some really great toast" and then Sue said "What jam did you put on it?" and Mary said "I put blackberry on it" and Sue said...

See, it gets kind of confusing and also way too long, right? Try to shorten your sentences.

Make sure to explain things, such as situations and characters. I, personally, was confused as to who Cindy was and who Himespetchi was...was Cindy the character in the P's and the Himespetchi a classmate...or are they the same person?

Something that might help is looking at some of your favourite books and studying the writing format and grammar. Where do they put punctuation? Where do they stop and start sentences? How do they explain different parts of the story, so that you don't get confused?

I really hope you don't think I'm being mean, or criticizing your writing. I'm not, I'm just trying to help you polish your writing a little more. I think you're off to a really great start, and all you need is a little practice! I hope you keep writing and posting your stories, it's a very brave thing to do to show your work to other people! (I still can't show people my writing ) I'm looking forward to seeing the part 3 and 4 of your stories! c:

 

[tamastar133]

I suck at grammar lol it's hard cause I'm in mobile (•~•) I nicknamed Himespetchi Cindy :3 and thanks bye I did part 3 but it won't show up (•^•)

 

[Eternal Mametchi Fan]

I love your story. Himespetchi is so cute!

 

[tamastar133]

yeah also here's a spoiler Mametchi will join in soon

 

[kuchipatchi.is.blue55]

Part 3 was great! I'm so excited to see what happens in part 4. ^.^

 

[tamastar133]

Hmm I'm think of making part 4 tomorrow. Or so and thanks!